


Sex in Space

by Trista_zevkia



Series: Obligatory Tumbler Response Series [2]
Category: Batman (Comics), Batman - All Media Types, Batman v Superman: Dawn of Justice, Justice League - All Media Types, Superman - All Media Types, Superman/Batman (Comics), World's Finest (Comics), Young Justice (Comics)
Genre: Blink And You Miss It Slash, Gen, Sex Toys, Sexual Education, discussion of lube
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-07
Updated: 2017-04-07
Packaged: 2018-10-16 02:22:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10561806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Trista_zevkia/pseuds/Trista_zevkia
Summary: When Batman actually sets out to teach Sex Ed to the Justice League, it's a bit different than some people expected, like Al_JustATrekkie.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Al_JustATrekkie](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Al_JustATrekkie/gifts).



"Any other business?" Superman asked, ready to dismiss the Justice League meeting.

"Yes." Batman said. 

Someone groaned, but nobody looked around to id the culprit. It had been a long meeting, without even a bad guy to break it up, and the JL was ready to be done. Batman knew this, but wasn't deterred. Nobody made the effort to try and deter him, as they all knew he wasn't deter-able without a world ending crisis. He stood from his chair and set a box on the table. The box advertised that it held 8 reams of copy paper, but paper didn't rattle like that. Nobody recalled having seen Batman bring the box to the meeting, but, well, Batman. 

"Despite being called rubbers, your modern day condom is made of synthetic latex." 

The members of the JL, the body tasked with protecting the planet, managed not to titter. They did look around to make sure everybody else had heard Batman talking about condoms too.

"I am not going to name names, but somebody has been to the infirmary about two hours after the last four fights, with an allergic reaction in a very concentrated and sensitive area." 

Blue Beetle gave a short, hysterical laugh, and someone else let out an embarrassing squeak. Most people just bit their lips and kept their focus on Batman. Batman ignored them all. 

Batman pulled a round disk in a square packet out of the box and held it out for all to see. "This is a latex free lubricated condom. They are now available in the supply room, and you can all use them, even those without latex sensitivity. The dental dams are now also latex free. If you object, you can buy your own, but you will be using them. The Watchtower infirmary should not be treating you more often for crabs than for injuries."

Several people squirmed in their seats for that one, but nobody dared to look around, least other people think they had crabs. 

Batman ripped open the condom wrapper and pulled out the rubber, so he could point at the tip flopping in the air. "This is the reservoir tip, or the pocket to catch your ejaculate. If you get this part tight around the head of your dick, there is nowhere for the ejaculate to go, and you will rip the condom, causing whatever problems you hoped to avoid by using a condom. Pinch the reservoir tip before rolling the condom on. Condoms not only limit the exchange of STDs, they also make for easier cleanup. The Watchtower is essentially a closed system, and it is expensive to bring in extra water because you are taking three showers a day and washing sheets every night."

Without moving away from the table, Batman brought up his right leg so his foot rested flat on the table. Pinching the reservoir tip, he proceeded to roll the condom up his calf. It stretched and caught on the heavy tread of his boots, but it still went. 

"I know none of you have bigger dicks than my calf, so don't even try to say condoms don't fit you." The way he used the spike on his gauntlet to cut the condom off his calf drove that idea home. And the idea of never, ever disagreeing with Batman.

Foot off the table, he pulled another item out of the box of not paper. 

"This is a pump bottle of personal lubricant. Everyone in this room gets a bottle to take to their rooms, and there are more in the supply closet. No matter your gender designation, or if you are after solo, partnered, or group pleasure, you will use the lube. I am all for experimentation, but J'onn didn't learn human anatomy to pull anal beads out of your dry asses."

J'onn watched the monitors and telepathically attended these meetings, so it nobody could look to see his reaction to this. 

"This lubricant is silicon based, so it can be used when having sex in water. If you use spermicidal jells or your own brand of condom, make sure they are safe for the types of toys you have." Putting the lube back in the box, Batman pulled out a large, bright green dildo. When he thunked it on the table, the suction cup at the bottom held it erect before him. 

"This is a silicon sexual aid. Use water based lubes with silicone or glass sex toys. Using silicone lubricant with plastic toys can lead to cracks in the casing of the sex toy, where improper washing can cause bacteria to grow. Never use a sexual aid or condom anally and then vaginally or orally. Change out the condom, wash the sex toy. Condoms can be used on sex toys, and is a good practice if you think you will be using the same sex toys on different people. Wash the toy in warm water and a mild soap, and allow it to dry completely before putting it away. You do not want a bacterial infection to set up in your ass, vagina, or mouth."

Batman paused to look around at his audience, to make sure they were utterly captivated. Superman got a second look, as his face was a deep shade of magenta and he didn't seem to be breathing. The rapid blinking showed he was still alive though, so Batman went on. 

"I am aware of the effects of adrenaline on the human body. I believe in the value of sexual experimentation. But we need to be smart, and not just in fights. If you have questions you are too embarrassed to ask now, you have my Watchtower email. I refused to be embarrassed about natural bodily functions. For now, everybody needs to come up here, and feel the dildo. You need to learn the feel of a silicon based sex toy. You will also collect a bottle of lubricant to take to your room at the end of the meeting. Whenever you have sex, remember to keep it safe, smart, and consensual."

"Sane." Flash corrected, probably before he thought about it. "Safe, sane, and consensual is the tagline. For bondage, I think, not that I'm into that sort of thing, but you know, I've heard that, kind of, somewhere around."

"If you read the Justice League charter, you will find there is no sanity clause."

Flash sputtered, and Green Lantern began to laugh. Superman blinked back to reality to ask a question.

"Did you just work a Marx Brothers' quote into a sex ed lecture?"

"No, it was at the end of my lecture. Is the meeting over?"

"Right, yes, meeting dismissed." Superman offered, voice dazed as he openly stared at Batman.

"Come get your lube." Batman said, and sat down in his chair. The box of lube and the large phallic device was in front of him, so he could keep track of who did and did not do as instructed.

Wonder Woman wasn't embarrassed about sex either, and was the first to take the dildo in a firm grip. The others reluctantly lined up behind her. Superman was the last, as he didn't even start to get up out of his seat until everyone except Batman was out of the meeting room. His cape was unusually falling forward, hiding most of his front from the views of the cameras. He muttered something to Batman, and the cameras stopped recording. It seemed Superman had a few questions he felt only Batman could answer.


End file.
